


no better version of me i could pretend to be tonight

by emmalem



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drunk kiss, First Kiss, M/M, NO ONE KNOWS, and jaehyun, holla at me if you wanna read some of it later, it is angst tho cause i cant write fluff, literally everything, renjun can hold his alcohol, so everything, tbh, they are nice boys they just dont know how to deal with stuff, this is actually a side story for this bigger one i had in my head, this is the story of mark's first kiss, where is johnny?, you lot can blame this whole mess on chenle, you read here has a story behind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 12:55:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmalem/pseuds/emmalem
Summary: “maybe this isn't such a great idea.” mark frowned looking at the boy fidgeting in the middleof the office. renjun glared at him them. with a coldness that mark didn't thought possiblegiven his calm demeanour.“lee minhyung. don't.” so it was bad.





	no better version of me i could pretend to be tonight

it was about boys with bright smiles. the kind of smile that could lit up the whole world. that did lit up theirs at least. but it was sucking teeth and bleeding lips and bruising knuckles and purpling eyes.

 

and they both knew that this isn’t how it was supposed to go.

 

not yet at least.

 

but the oldest one between them that night also knew something else. the cabinet where their hyung hid the alcohol.

 

wasn’t his first time doing that either. for all that he prized himself in being the good boy, the innocent, kind dongsaeng, he was a teenager. he was curious, and you either had good teachers, or life would take charge of things. had he been able to choose again, he would’ve cried on johnny’s lap.

 

the reason back then wasn’t so far off from the reason now. love and hatred walking hand in hand, like old lovers. like current lovers. like lovers that were never meant to be. never meant to love.

 

“fuck.” he hissed when his hip met the hard surface of the table just in front of the cabinet. the younger didn’t bat an eyelid at that. skimming his eyes through the room, searching for answers he wouldn’t get there, but knowing he wouldn’t get them anywhere either, made the effort worthwhile at least. cause then at least he tried. “here.” he heard the clink, and made himself look at the table.

 

he could not see his hyung, only his hand reaching, going in and out of his field of vision, bringing a new object each time. a small bucket. two glasses. a bottle of jack.

 

renjun’s ears turned red when he realised what they were about to do. both parts embarrassed and excited. blood running through his veins so quickly, he could feel the buzz.  _ it’s going to be interesting if nothing else. _ he thought to himself.

 

“chitapphonie hyung he,” mark finally got up. “is not as smooth as he thinks.”

 

“he is not anything as he think.” renjun shrugged, but the remark was without bite. the hyung had kind eyes and a soft voice. he had the worst personality, but he never bothered renjun. he was no kun but between the chinese speakers members, he was far from being on the bottom of the boy’s list.

 

that was chenle. 

 

fuck chenle.

 

“hm?” he raised an eyebrow at the younger's chuckle, but was quickly dismissed with a wave of a hand that then returned to the blonde haired boy's pocket. 

 

it was a telltale sign of him being uncomfortable. the boy used to bite his nails until his fingers bleed, but idols aren't supposed to have ugly hands.  _ idols aren't supposed to do a damn bloody thing. _

 

“maybe this isn't such a great idea.” mark frowned looking at the boy fidgeting in the middle of the office. renjun glared at him them. with a coldness that mark didn't thought possible given his calm demeanour. 

 

“lee minhyung. don't.” so it was bad.

 

mark didn't really know what happened earlier that night to the boy, but considering his reaction, it was yuta level of bad.

 

the whole day had been a blur for mark. from the moment he woke up he already felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. 

 

donghyuck was sharp, and stiff, and his eyes echoed the words of all those previous nights. those were there were too many words but not much being said. the nights of sore spots, scraped knuckles, nights of broken furniture and chipped walls. 

 

mark blamed himself for being so caught up in that place, that he didn't saw the shift. the hisses in languages he had no idea how to speak.

 

he missed the poking and the pushing, and by the time he realised the loud voices it was too late.

 

it was barely a breath. he wasn't even sure he had had time to blink,  and then taeil was on the ground.

 

sicheng wasn't there and that was more telling than anything. 

 

and so mark froze. he trusted taeyong to know what to do in most situations, and if all that failed, he would just do as doyounggie hyung instructed.

 

except taeyong looked more terrified than he had ever seen him, colour drained of his already pale face. eyes as big as they could get. and mark could not for the life of him look away. like taeyong was goimg through that so mark didn't have to.

 

kun was there barely a breath later, lucas trailing behind, looking older than anyone had ever seen. with a seriousness that didn't quite fit him, the spark on his eyes swelled to the flick of a cigarette at night, on a quiet balcony where they weren't supposed to be smoking at - where jaehyun wasn't supposed to be smoking at - with no intensity, with no strength, like the mere acknowledgment of that light there would've make it disappear.

 

a chill ran down mark's spine once more.  _ this is not supposed to happen.  _

 

the younger didn't as much as left as he was kicked out of the room by one of the managers - was he always there? he had to be right? if mark was being practical, despise how infinite it all felt, it lasted no longer than his encompassed heartbeat, there wouldn't be time for them to have called someone, - being able to see not much beyond lucas’ arm circling yuta's neck, while doyoung, ever so defiantly for his size, in an unawareness or braveness, however you looked at it, that mark was jealous of.

 

“i'm driving you home.” there was a hand in his shoulder that pressured just enough to know that it was  _ not _ up for discussion. he looked behind to see jaehyun standing there with kind smile and crescent moon eyes, but his cheek was pulled in too high and the crease in his forehead was on its way to becoming a permanent dent. 

 

jungwoo stood tall besides him, his lovely eyes looking glazed and hollow, and he was sucking teeth.

 

“home?” this was home.

 

“dorm 2 we mean. something happened, we need you to look after renjunnie.” they were both already walking when letting the not very useful, and troublesome information out.

 

“are they alright? the dreamies?”

 

“they weren't there. johnny has them.”

 

“them all but renjun?” 

 

“we don't know what's happened mark.” jungwoo clarified it so they were all on the same page, and as much as that was true, they were also keeping whatever was more important from him, because he got to see renjun, but all he could get from taeil or yuta or even doyoung was their twisted voices, in hallowed scream, in a cacophony of chaotic pain, that had come to the surface in a moment's notice. like the flicker in lucas’ eyes that evening.

 

mark didn't know why he was there, sitting across from renjun, in a dorm that didn't belong to either of them - no dorm did. johnny kept talking about home, and they all knew that that wasn't it, that sterile, medically controlled, vacuum sealed environment that sm didn't much as give to them, but caged them in. his mind could only call back to yangyang and the other rookies, all but locked inside dorm 5. but this moment wasn't about that. 

 

this was about renjun. 2 now empty glasses, and the remainings of what was supposed to be a very expensive whiskey by the looks of it, and the almost futile hope that chitapphon would find kindness in his soul and not go on a hunting and killing spree for whoever downed hiz booze.

 

“didn't know you could drink.” renjun said sitting back on his chair, glass comfortably loose on his hand. this wasn't his first time.

 

mark pulled a face when the jack hit the bottom of his throat, but not much besides that. there was already enough alcohol in him for the taste be a welcomed sour instead of a punishment. it was like hot chicken wings by this point.

 

“likewise.” the glass clicked empty in the table. the younger shrugged with a smirk.

 

“i am chinese. our legal drinking is 18, so we start doing it at 8 just to be prepared.” he let out a laugh when mark raised an eyebrow. “it's cultural. you should know that, heh?”

 

“whatever.” mark dismissed the jab with a wave of his hand, he could drink he just couldn't hold his alcohol. his fingertips were numb and his face felt funny, he knew that whatever he could try to say wouldn't help his situation.

 

they stayed in silence, deep in their thoughts for far longer than socially acceptable or biologically expected from 17 and 16 years old.

 

“why are we here minhyung?”

 

“stop calling me that.” he reached for the bottle again, only to have snatched by the blonde, who was now sitten upright on the chair, elbows resting on the table, hand strangling the jack’s neck, like it meant something. did it? mark wasn't even sure anymore at this point. “yuta and taeil hyung were brawling and you broke chenle's phone.” 

 

“not what i meant-”

 

“why did you do it?”

 

“not your business.”

 

“do you hate chenle? i thought you hated jeno.”

 

the corner of his mouth pulled in a smile. it held bite to it. it held an almost visceral cruelty to it. words dripping out the side of his mouth like venom, corrosive and lethal. so he took deep breath. 

 

letting his emotions take control of his body was what gotten him there in the first place.

 

“do you hate donghyuck?” was all he asked instead.

 

and mark understood what he meant.

 

understood why they were there. why  _ they  _ were there.

 

“jesus christ.” he passed both hands in his face. “this is bullshit.” he groaned so he wouldn't yell.

 

“minhyung-”

 

“stop calling me that.” it wasn't quite a yell as much as a cry. a desperate please. his hand fleeing from his face to be exasperated by his side. it freed his eyes to see renjun sitting on the table in front of him. his right on the chair resting besides mark's thigh. his hands holding each a side of the older's face, pulling it closer, connecting their lips with a sweetness that maybe didn't fit the moment, but it fitted  _ them. _

 

later renjun would deny it. he would convince himself that he didn't  _ make  _ himself be mark's first kiss, the same way he was pretending he didn't force lucas to be his.

 

but that moment he chose something else to say.

 

“cause i could.” he said simply after letting go and sitting up straight.

 

“what?” mark asked, or at least he assumed he did, cause his mouth moved and he was pretty sure something came out of it, but he couldn't feel his face, or his arms - or his legs for that matter. his mind was buzzing in a pleasant hum, and all he could see was his dongsaeng.

 

“i broke chenle's phone because i could.” he shrugged and in that moment that made sense for them both. “there are a lot of things i can't do, but i could do that, so why shouldn't i?”

  
  


mark's eyes scammed his face. despite all the crazy stuff that happened that night, it was still renjun. 

 

renjunnie.

 

and mark was still 17, and the world was still turning, and he was still a teenager and he and donghyuck still weren't on talking terms, and he still loved renjun.

 

“yeah. you can do that.” he placed his hand on the other’s wrist, giving it a gentle tug, not quite an order, or an incentive, but more of an idea.

 

that this meant something. that it could mean  _ something _ . 

 

so mark had his second kiss just as effortless, although now less surprising, than the first.

  
it was going to mean something cause it  _ meant  _ something.

**Author's Note:**

> hellooo. holla at me on twitter @manulem if you wanna know what the hell is going on here. comments are always appreciated.


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